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7 Ways to Become a Better Boulderer: A Parody

So, you wanna get better at bouldering? Think your routine isn’t enough? Feel like you’ve hit a plateau? Feeling like you’re not crushing hard or sending enough? Well, I’ve got some solutions for you.

You can become a better boulderer at the gym or crag if you do these seven things.

Me bouldering while wearing a beanie on my head. Wear a beanie while you’re bouldering. You dawn it well, and your head must be covered. You know won’t send if you don’t wear one, even if it’s 100 degrees outside. Boulder shirtless if you wish. Bonus points if you’re wearing La Sportiva Solutions.
Vigorously brushing chalk off of a hold. Obsessively brush the holds or rock before climbing. They must be clean, to the point of immaculate. You won’t stick if you don’t do it.
Hands completely covered in chalk. Cover every inch of your hands with chalk. Do you even chalk, bro? The hands must be covered entirely in chalk to ensure maximum stick to the holds or rock. You’ll fall off them if you don’t.
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Excessively wave your hands while staring and reading your problem or project. Almost like an orchestra conductor. The wilder, the better. It's easier to figure the beta out this way while you're on the ground.
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Scream and yell while attempting to grab the rock or hold. You gotta let that pent-up energy and anger out. It doesn’t matter if we can understand you or not while you’re up there. It’s not worth being a project if you don’t say something — extra points for yelling after you fall.
Me staring at my hands. Stare intensely into your hands' in-between climbs. Doing this is a good way to meditate or just space off and let your brain take a breather. Or look and see how much skin you’ve ripped off since the start of your session.
Me sleeping on my crashpad. Sleep on your crashpad. A boulderer’s gotta rest in-between problems. Plus, it’s a comfy spot to catch some zs. So, you might as well take a nap there.

Hope these humorous tips help you at the crag or gym. Or at least give you a laugh. Thank you to my co-workers for your ideas. You guys are awesome! Until next time, happy bouldering!